I like sex. Fuck that! I love sex!!
I refrained from having any real conversation surrounding sex on my blog due to fear of what my parents and family would think of me. I also thought that people who knew me as someone who grew up in the church would judge me. But I am 22 now and should have complete autonomy over my story.
My sexual awakening first began with unlearning or relearning some of the things I was taught about sex growing up. The concept of virginity, saving myself until marriage, as well as seeing adults praise boys/men but condemn girls/women for their sexuality are all things that led to my misunderstanding of what sex is. I was conditioned to believe sex was only to be done between and husband and a wife who love each other very much. I was conditioned to believe I, as a young woman, should not express sexual desires. Because of that, it took a long time for me to become in tune with my body.
My parents, as well as growing up in the SDA church, aided a lot in my confusion and my being naive. When my parents sat me and my 2 younger siblings down to give us the birds and the bees talk, sex seemed to be simply a way to make babies. I couldn’t even grasp the idea that sex was supposed to be enjoyable for all the parties involved. My dad made it a point to remind my sister and I that he did not want us to have a boyfriend until we were at least 18 and that we could not have sex until marriage. He told us that our virginity is something we should hold onto because it was special. On the other hand, he would joke with my 2 younger brothers, asking them how many girlfriends they had and seemed to hold them to an entirely different standard.
I stumbled upon porn around 4th grade and this sparked a whole new level of curiosity along with even more confusion. So sex isn’t strictly a penis entering a vagina? Wait, how’d she do that with her —OMG? I felt like Curious George and I was not comfortable asking my parents any sex-related questions. I feared their wrath or that they’d think I was sexually active but in reality, I just wanted to gain knowledge on this act I’d eventually be engaging in, in the future. My searches on Google led me to learn a whole lot and porn helped to paint an image in my head.
After I started having my period, I began to watch porn less out of curiosity and more so out of personal pleasure. I could feel my body doing things I wasn’t used to and in my mind, I would picture myself doing the acts I was watching. Is this what being turned on feels like and what do I do with these feelings?? My understanding at the time was that masturbation was something that only guys could do. I’m a girl and girls weren’t meant to be sexual in any way… right?? This outdated way of thinking followed me for many years of my life, making me afraid to ever touch myself or explore my body on my own.
By my senior year of high school, I decided that I did not want to wait until marriage to have sex — but I wasn’t rushing to lose my virginity either. I believed that my decision to lose my virginity when I chose to and not blindly follow the rules of my parents or my religion would make me an open-minded, sex-positive person. But in reality, I was nowhere close to that person at the time. I was still slut-shaming girls my age who were sexually active while praising boys my age for their conquests. It wasn’t until I lost my virginity at the end of my senior year that I realized how stupid and closed-minded this way of thinking was.
First of all, losing my virginity wasn’t this amazingly beautiful experience with fireworks and birds singing in the background as some movies depicted it to be. It kind of happened and then it was done. Emotionally and mentally I felt no different. I was mad at myself for truly believing my worth and purity came from this notion of “virginity”. I began to ask myself why did I label other women hoes but not the men for doing the same thing. I wanted to understand why parents teach their daughters to be ascetic but praise their sons for being sexual. My time in college truly opened my eyes to the world of sex in a different way.
I started having more frequent sex once I began college but it wasn’t the MOST enjoyable thing I was doing at the time. She was cool tho, and more so a distraction from other shit I was dealing with during that time. It wasn’t until 2018-2019 that I began to truly explore my sexuality and love sex tbh.
With my first lesbian relationship came my first orgasm, and that for me was what opened the door to real exploration of my body. Before then, I genuinely thought I was unable to orgasm and that I was doomed to have “meh” sex forever. But that was honestly because I didn’t know wtf my body liked and didn’t like. I never used free time to masturbate — I was actually kind of against masturbating. Once I realized I didn’t have a broken pussy (shout out to Issa Rae), I was way more inclined to dive deeper and explore more. And after my first relationship ended, I did just that.
Two of my best friends, who happen to be two of the most sex-positive people I know, pretty much took me under their wings. One of them, a dope ass dominatrix, allowed me to engage in some of my fantasies with her. As conversations blossomed into actual experimentation, I discovered my interest in the world of BDSM. 14-year old me would be shaking in her boots! Never in a million years did I think I would be that girl. As time passed, my intrigue for other sexual acts grew. Kinks that I was totally against just a couple of years ago began to sound more and more appealing. I now wanted to try using toys. Hey, a threesome sounds fun! What about cuckolding, I could be into that too!
And yet, I was afraid to have these types of conversations with people, especially potential partners. But I realized that was the problem. From our earliest years, we are conditioned to view sex as this scary, taboo thing that we shouldn’t talk about. Some people even feel weird saying the word ‘sex.’ This leads to a lot of kids growing up confused and misinformed. We’re all here because of it and almost all of us will think about engaging in it at some point in our lives. Why can’t we have open and honest conversations about it? At one point I was too afraid to tell the person I was dating what I would like to do and have done to me during sex. Gone are those days! Because closed mouths don’t get fed and scared pussy don’t orgasm.
I say all of this to say, we NEED to talk about sex on a deeper level than what we have been doing. This goes especially for parents and adult loved ones whose children are coming of age. We need to eliminate the gender biases and double standards we’ve placed around sexuality, and the idea that sex is solely for bringing life into the world. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable but it won’t be if we don’t understand our bodies to be the sexual entities they are. It can’t be pleasurable if we continue to treat sex as this off-limits topic that should never be spoken of. Everyone deserves to have great sex, and that all stems from knowledge and insight.